I’m really not feeling well at all…disoriented and such…I don’t like being a conduit for all this stuff…and on top of that I can’t think or make myself feel at ease…this isn’t a fun process…if you hadn’t noticed that deep issues are being pulled to the surface of not just past but past lives as well then you must have been spared…this is really a choice to stay in the game or to hang on to see the new paradigm emerge. It really sucks today…I don’t like this isolation and this feeling of being unseen…My nightmare is this….alone in a large dark warehouse…its empty and damp and no one comes…yeah this monster is coming to the surface for me…probably my toughest demon to face….it is easy to distract ourselves with whatever is around us…we can fake it…pretend…project…If I don’t face it it will come out in all sorts of places….this feels more past life but the past carried the theme into this current life….I can’t fake the intensity of what I feel or positive think it away until it is cleared…the process demands complete attention…avoiding only masks the truth of how hard it is but once we fall deep down within it…in that “no way out” space and where the brain completely surrenders to the body, the heart and emotions pouring out of ever part of your body…then…just then… will it have a chance of saving you…because no matter how painful it feels…all that is… is love pushing its way out of you…the more love you have to push out the greater the pain until it is released. I’m here…I think perhaps my body is pushing it out and I don’t have the control of my brain to pretend it and positive think it away…It’s dark and deep and is a son of a bitch…whether its sun flares, pms, longing for my beloved or just desperately wanting to have purpose and connection is… yet to be seen…I suspect a combination of it all…but the only person who has really left me is ME…and she’s trying to meet herself at the door of awakening and praying she’s gonna find peace…all I have is my words…. my emotions… my existence…to write in this forum is to be witnessed…though I desire this not for my ego but to be set free…because I exist and because you acknowledge me I do the same in return…we are the collective consciousness…we are on the brink of evolutionary change…I see my role…but I have to clear the block to get to the prize…its been a funny journey…and many have thought many things about me…and I of myself…looking back at me trying too hard is me wanting freedom, bliss and salvation from the monster that has plagued my many lives…I was murdered a lot…for probably being a bit of a whistleblower and loving so completely…long story…so I collapse today over all the weight I’ve done my best to carry…..the dislocated shoulder is a reminder to me of my deep sorrow I held…to have broken it is to finally be aware that I need to take no other’s burdens but my own…to self care…this is the awareness this injury brings…to take care of me…and not the burdens of the world…the lesson in our great awakening is that it is all us…the individual… and not to rise up for the other until we are whole ourselves…as a wayshower, lightworker and holder of divine energies…I know my task huge…and it starts with me and extends out…how do I assist a fallen king when he refuses refuge and excuses his savior of assassination attempts? This was a scene the BBC’s Robin Hood that was really curious to me LOL….A liberator seen as the assassin…that’s what our world had become…the message was don’t do good because that good would be to rely on our human nature which is to be a collective and compassionate humanity…the, “you gotta be alone and do it yourself” idea has been ingrained by the controlling powers for so long that to speak about sovereignty…and sharing of resources would allow us to be the empowered people of the light…to believe that my task is to reconnect with my self is of the upmost important is to believe that the world is going to emerge victorious…and this is within each and every one of us….If you aren’t feeling the evolution in your body…mind…and soul right now just remember the ones who lead the way for rest of humanity to assume freedom for the world….It takes gut…losing yourself…a bit of your mind…your heart…most of all your desires…and even heartache to create a better world after such a long period of darkness…I say…slaves no more….stand up…refuse the old paradigm and our planet is saved.. RISE UP WITHIN YOURSELF FIRST… then we create heaven on earth…Love the world and be free…Love is not afraid to face its worst enemy because it knows it’s really itself on the other side of moon not given light by the sun…Prayers for me ….prayers for my beloved….prayers for all….Prayers for the Universe as we become the first planet to awaken with life on it….we are in revolutionary galactic times…yep….the stars are watching our sweet planet grow into the mature goddess she is! Hallelujah!
This has been a year for experiencing miracles. As much as I chid myself for not achieving this or that I still managed to get all my material needs met and at the same time given the space needed to release the past and prepare for the future. In many ways I have to remind myself to surrender. As much as I want answers and logical conclusions to a thing it just doesn’t happen the way I want or when I want it. I’m convinced that my brain creates any answer my ego can call up as the final solution but me waiting for the impossible miracle to happen takes guts and faith to overcome the fear that I’m losing my mind. Doubt is the biggest block. There is a sense that I’ll be wrong again as I look back to all my missteps. I’m learning now to discern much better the types of “nice” people and opportunities I attract into my life. I’m learning that appearances are always clouded by ego and shinny bright lights. The “miracles” promised to me by others and me waiting for this was a futile combination. Well, needless to say people have an agenda however the point is I wasn’t allowing divine guidance to correct my mistakes until I let go of all exterior influences that weren’t aligning with my life’s purpose.
So miracles happen when I suspend my disbelief and relax. I find things come about sooner than expected when I just don’t put so much energy into something not happening and to allow the flow of light and possibility the ease it needs to create magic. Desire can hold us back from receiving heavenly gifts because it casts the shadow of not arriving so the energy gets held up between the calling forth and in the actual manifestation of divine promise. There was a fantastic message from Archangel Gabriel about being on a long flight and deciding how you want the flight to go. Everyone on the plane is going to their intended destination some are feeling at ease and some are feeling as if there are about to lose it if the plane doesn’t hurry up and land. Well, I’ve been having to decide which passenger to be and a lot of the time I’m sitting very uncomfortably in my seat believing the plane will never land and my reason for going on the trip was not well thought out. Allowing for the miracle to happen is knowing that the plane will eventually land is faith. Faith is a kind of confidence in uncertainty. You don’t know a thing and there may even be evidence stacked against that something to happen but nothing trumps believing with all your heart that love will guide the miracle to come. It is easy to allow the ego to create stories in our minds about how impossible something is when really we live in a boundless existence where only our eyes and perceptions fool us. This is actually a lesson in Unconditional Love. The surrender it takes to let go of the material world and all its having to prove itself that something is real or not takes a lot of clearing out of cobwebs in one’s mind. How to feel the truth and how to feel the flow of energy that says even in flight when we don’t feel things are progressing toward a certain end doesn’t mean the plane isn’t moving through space and we’ll never feel the landing gear touch the ground ever again. Miracles are the result of the Universe’s Unconditional Love for us so its just that we need to get out of our own way so they can come rushing into our lives and sweep us off our feet. All our prayers get answered eventually its just up to us to clear the debris off the runway in our hearts. Our mind plays tricks but that just us forgetting our connection to everything and to each other. Our real miracle is knowing we are not really separate from our dreams and that all the angels want is our complete and utter happiness. Love is the miracle of existence.
Blessings and Light,
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I’ve been meditating like crazy. Listening to sound therapy audios. Praying and feeling angelic guidance for wisdom and clarity. I’m letting go as much old pattern thinking as I can. I’m being sensitive to my own responses and care taking for me first then if is serves my highest good, then to help others. Helping others for the sake of being seen as kind and generous isn’t what is always in our best interest. Many givers get caught in the illusion that doing good is being good. That isn’t the case. If we become out of touch with our own sense of what fills us up spiritually and hand over our power for the sake of another then we become depleted in spirit. This can down the road lead to anger, resentfulness and loss of self worth. It isn’t enough to give and help the world with our time, money and resources. What is most needed is our own level of vibration that has far more power than any handout, check, or raising of funds can ever accomplish. We in the physical realm of the 3 dimensional world, or what has now been coined at the “Matirx” thanks to the movie, have been taught to create actions appearing and demonstrating to others as good and of service based on the paradigms of “good doing.” I got caught up in thinking being a part of an organization or a cause was a way of being in service. Within that what I believed was “doing good” I found an underbelly of unresolved issues in others, ego in heroism one had accomplished, profit attaining and other actions appearing as helping. These methods only serve to perpetuate the issue rather than solving the problem. No action is enough. No amount of money can be raised enough. No amount of volunteers can really work to solve an issue, cause or disease because the cause gets stuck in the organization’s ability to maintain itself. I’m not saying good work isn’t being achieved I’m just saying that things aren’t solved because there is always another person or thing to save. Our best hope to creating solution is actually what our doing, achieving, striving world would think to be hardly effective is to RAISE OUR VIBRATION. Yes, that’s right . In a way doing nothing and creating a repatterning of how the world relates through consciousness and vibration or divine resonance is more effective. Somewhere along throughout centuries of human existence, we lost our ability to be attuned to divine energies and to manifest the powers to solve imbalances in the world. As I have discovered my own imbalances which have caused emotional disruptions, extreme fear and doubt and other dense energies to flow within and around my life, I notice my level of happiness decreases. If I’m in a place of complete trust, love and gratitude then the opportunities, people and circumstances I create resonate greatly with my higher and Eternal Self. It is a powerful source for all of us to tap into. Elevating our vibration instead of elevating the amount of effort can serve to bring peace and prosperity to the world. Because many believe that what is happening all around us needs to be changed, fixed, worked on, or saved, it just serves only to increase these issues and problems that we intend to help heal. If our energy says there a problem that needs to be solved, the problem increases in energy by magnifying it that much more. If we see imbalances and give them energy as if they are already healed then we give energy to the healing not the problem. So the solution to all problems is in our own healing, our own vibrational levels. All we seek we already have within us. It is our beliefs and our ability to tap into higher source levels in and around us that provide the clear answers. We first must break the illusion of our past pain and imbalance. We must look to ourselves as for ultimate healing in what causes so much imbalance otherwise we just deplete our ability to create harmony and peace. So we must seek the spirit within us for solutions and ask for assistance from whatever divine source speaks to us. I love my angels and I have a good friendship with the Universe so I often seek wisdom with them. I truly believe that if we see past our limitations and open our hearts our entire planet will easily shift to greater and greater vibrational levels. It is already happening as many of us are not longer taken in by the mistruths of the power and control seekers. Love will prevail as it is the highest and most powerful vibration of the Universe. So if you want to help others begin with you and radiate your healing and wisdom from where you are in your life. Be the change and if we all do this we all heal each other. Namaste
Blessings of love,
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It was a hell of a morning. I’ve been battling a lot of confusion between what is real…what isn’t real and then the fact the two meld into one another. What is logical and reasonable is no longer applicable. Shadows are truer to their words than all the physical evidence offering proof and validation. To have people give advice and projecting so much of their own issues on to my particular circumstance pulls me away from what my truth is. No one likes to suffer pain and we go to great lengths to numb ourselves with whatever gets our minds to stop all the chatter. But you see this chatter of the mind is important. I’m highly skilled in emotions. I have tools and I trust my process. Talk therapy suggestions crack me up. You seriously can’t have gone through all the magical and spiritual skills I’ve acquired and sit down with a therapist to “talk” out personal issues. Hilarious conversations for sure and I could write a short script of how it would all go. Lets just say its got to be a situation where the playing field is equal. Anyway, I got my spiritual counselor(s) they just don’t fit the profile of “therapist.”
So fury and my thoughts that dance between dimensions causing confusion, the players surrounding my life and my own inner demons. It all caught up to me today. ALL OF IT. There was no good or positive thoughts to be had. I felt like the enemy had finally cornered me and there was no way out. I had to go there: RAGE. Yep it was all there ready to ignite out of me. Extreme anger that I’d suppressed for a while snuck up on me today and there was no way out but through. SO…I rolled up the windows of my car and I just began screaming my head off. Swearing at everyone I loved, who hurt me, who advised me and at myself. I allowed intense hatred to pull up and out. Hopelessness and self loathing were there as well. I headed for the Santa Monica beach. I thought I could scream into the ocean so that it could hear my fury because today after so many people were questioning my insights and my wellbeing I decided to give in to all of my complete disappointment and distrust of everyone and everything. I parked…grabbed two bucks, keys and my phone…MY PHONE that I was forced to buy and now am stuck with it for another year. How I wanted to throw it into the ocean. I was feeling trapped by technology. Communicating and yet I couldn’t communicate with the ONE person I wanted to communicate with. All I wanted was to communicate with him and instead I ended up communicating with thousands and thousands of people.
I rolled up my leggings to stick my feet into the ocean. I saw a rock…picked it up and threw it hard. I was taught how to throw a baseball from my dad so I threw it in like a professional. Then I headed toward the pier walking in the water…cursing and swearing in my head…hating everyone and all human beings feeling like no matter how much I try to make things right, good and reasonable and being polite about it all it just didn’t matter. I was stuck being the one who was crazy, obsessive and needed therapy. Great just great I screamed to myself. Now I decided after looking at all the joggers on the beach, I’d pick up the pace. I ran track in high school…the only sport I liked really and I could do it alone. I was a mid-distance sprinter and was pretty good. I just liked to run and I ran like a dancer. Beauty is part of the process. So I pranced into a full on sprint for about a 110 yards and stopped. My mind still in a fury of rage and then I proceeded again in the same pace and distance until I was completely out of breath. I hated every person on the beach. I saw how happy they were to be there…taking pictures and such. Surfers surfing…even the sand crabs were pissing me off. I turned around to head back toward Lifeguard Station 26 and all the while I had no positive thoughts in my head. Walking fast now talking and swearing out loud like a nut and using my favorite “f” word. Then looking down I saw something shiny I thought it was trash but at second glance I saw it was a small round glass candle votive the kind I was lighting candles with when I’d set up the room for the Tantra relationship classes I was taking this past year. I picked it up and looked at it in my hand. I had been cursing the Universe and angels too…I made sure they were included in my fury. I remember asking them now how are you going to handle me like this?…All the work I’ve been doing with God and angels down the drain because I couldn’t control my negative thoughts that spun me out of control. I failed everyone including myself. My divine purpose felt like a life sentence in never having love and I hated my divinity for making me suffer yet again with no end in sight. However, angels do talk to me and they knew I had to clear the underbelly of my fear so they could heal my pain. The candle votive is a holder of light. This reminded me clearly that I am a holder of light not dark that in my rage was just passion to reveal my light so that many many people can be helped and healed. That my divine purpose is to bring light to the dark in the world. That my own darkness needed light and to be released.
So I cried and released my sadness and a huge wave of angelic energy washed over me. I sat in the sand and watched a woman do a little yoga. I watched her and I wanted to move too so I did a little of my practice and I could feel my pain in the back of my heart. Everything I was holding on to stuck there and needed to move out of me. I dance through my yoga…I was told to practice like an artist and I do. If you ever see me I’m am poetry and strength with full devotion to a higher power. I am an earth angel yogini holding light and I don’t need therapy. I need to be love for others who don’t have it in their hearts.
I walked into the ocean one last time and stared out feeling calmer, thirsty and much more peaceful. The angels spoke to me and said to return to my yoga practice and allow my yoga to give me back my peace, beauty and healing. They said to trust that love is there and my task is important and to stop judging myself because I’ve traveled long and hard and I have knowledge many don’t and many don’t understand but it is my job just to be me exactly who I am and not to be ashamed of my ways, thoughts and actions. I am a child of light and love. I’m here to offer hope and encouragement. This is my divine purpose.
Namaste to all the fury that exists within all of us. Let it out. Let it go. Light a candle when you feel free of it.
Love the world and be free
Me, in my armor and sword stand before an angry dragon who is doing his best to bring me to my knees. Thrown…I get up again and stand in front of this wild beast full of fury and fire. He knows my weaknesses well, a good observer no doubt. But I was at one time a weaker Knight but after my long battle to the death I had grown much stronger and can face any treachery that comes my way. I know how to fall and I know how to stand my ground and stay perfectly still. Just slight inner rumblings that quickly turn into fuel for the kiln in my heart. The dragon fears my blade to the heart that would surely open up the flood gates within his chest. He sees me the enemy but alas I am his closest and most loyal friend. Fear overtakes him and he lunges forward to burn my skin. I stand still and look him straight in the eye and say “Do your worst…it is your own resistance that stops you from your purpose.” I stand still waiting and then aim straight for him and he clearly wants me to see him as purely a monster with no compassion or mercy. I then stand still again to show my strength, my compassion and mercy. The Dragon is used to enemies running in fear of him but he has never seen a knight such as I willing to sacrifice love for the sake of his peace and tranquility. No he has never seen this kind of courage and patience before. He doesn’t know his strength and fury can be put best to use to benefit others. His fire can light the world full of hope. It just takes the bravest of knights to make him see his own inner brilliance.
“This is the oath of a Knight of King Arther’s Round Table and should be for all of us to take to heart. I will develop my life for the greater good. I will place character above riches, and concern for others above personal wealth, I will never boast, but cherish humility instead, I will speak the truth at all times, and forever keep my word, I will defend those who cannot defend themselves, I will honor and respect women, and refute sexism in all its guises, I will uphold justice by being fair to all, I will be faithful in love and loyal in friendship, I will abhor scandals and gossip-neither partake nor delight in them, I will be generous to the poor and to those who need help, I will forgive when asked, that my own mistakes will be forgiven, I will live my life with courtesy and honor from this day forward.”
― King Arthur, Le Morte d’Arthur
We’ve lost the ancient art of acting on behalf of what is true, right and good. The adage of “The good finish last” mentality has created our present and has force the swift shift in the elevation in our collective consciousness. Many of us are being called up to lead the way back to the light. Warriors of light and of Divine love. The resistance is great. We question ourselves, our sanity, our ability to trust and to believe in the ultimate reality of the Eternal self. This message holds true among the muck and mud of ego and effort to win at all costs. For there is no such concept of winning and there is nothing greater to achieve than love and to be of service to others. Be a knight of the round table and stand firmly in seeing the good and being the good for those who are shielded in darkness.